I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
