All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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