Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
