Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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