well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
