What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
