There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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