This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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