I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize