I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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