Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
