I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
