its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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