I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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