are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
