dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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