Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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