Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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