there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
