She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
im on a boat
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