We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
