Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
