For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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