id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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