you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you would pick up someone in the library
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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