Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
