I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
