When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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