Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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