Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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