Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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