party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't turn off my feet"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
