y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
