I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
