it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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