dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.