Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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