I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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