I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
