Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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