she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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