My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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