dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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