the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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