You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
