letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
