morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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