does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
