You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
