IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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