I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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