for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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