gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it hurts more in the daytime
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
