my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
