life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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