All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
