so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
