So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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