i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
