my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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